my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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