Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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