It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
