"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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