i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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