you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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