you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wear drunk well.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
