Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
