you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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