Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
