No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
