The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
