I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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