note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
