The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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