If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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