No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
