I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
either way he was missing a nipple.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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