Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
