How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
