i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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