Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
