So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
