Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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