Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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