I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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