I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
