Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
