i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
