I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
