arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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