Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
