my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
