Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
