Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
