I can text with my tongue
she woke up with a sticky ear
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
