dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
