Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize