ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
