so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
this hospital has no fireball
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
