I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
