My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
