Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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