I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
