I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
