I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
