I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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