I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Girls should come with a carfax report
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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