when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
