I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
