The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
