Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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