1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
