I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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