Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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