i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
