I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
