Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
