absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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