So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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