oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
